Who was who (make fun of famous people)

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Famous people (A - I)

JACK, the man who kept company with Jill. Occupation: Water carrier. Killed while at work. Ambition: An artesian well in the valley. (See Jill.)
JACOB, birthright speculator, traveler, s. Isaac, and brother of Esau. Was mother's pet. Became proficient as a character impersonator, but never went on the stage. Left home suddenly. Slept on a stone and had hard dreams. Later married, and was responsible for Joseph and his brethren. (See Joe.)
JAEGER, Doctor Gustav, claimed his underwear kept him warm.
JAMES, Jesse, an American westerner who murdered, stole, and appeared in paper novels for the benefit of the messenger boy, the author, and the publisher.
JAMES, King, a Scotchman who was considered good enough to be elected king of England.
JANOS, H., manufacturer of a popular beverage.
JAPHETH, third officer of the Ark.
JEFFERSON, Joe, a fine old memory.
JEFFREYS, James J., formerly a prize fighter, who carried his gloves and bluff once too often to the ring. (See Johnson.)
JEKYLL, Doctor, a physician who took a dose of his own medicine.
JEW, Wandering, an ancient Hebrew who has been going over the face of the earth for centuries, only stopping at the call of such men as Eugene Sue and Lew Wallace.
JILL, Jack's girl. She was assisting her fiance when the accident occurred.
JOB, prehistoric millionaire who had his ups and downs. Like all rich men, he had a good young manhood, saved his money, and entered the market. Formed the camel trust and cornered the real estate market. The market tumbled and so did J. Family troubles also distressed him. His camels died of the colic or were stolen. J. went broke. Even in hard luck he patronized the temple, and believed while there was money it could be had. Started in business again with a small capital, remarried, and ended his days ahead of the game. Ambition: A chance at the New York Stock market; death to his comforters. Recreation: Sackcloth and ashes.
JOHNSON, John, called "Jack," one-time black champion prize-fighter of the world, who learned that too much chicken, automobile, and champagne made even a colored gentleman a "waser."
JOHNSON, Samuel, no relation of the above. Employed the greatest press agent the world has ever seen, and was thus made famous. Also wrote.
JONAH, traveler, whaler, and lucky dog. Became renowned for taking a rough trip to sea. Was thrown overboard because he was the jonah. Swam until he was tired, and finally made a morsel for a fish. Tradition has it that J. was tough and indigestible. He remained three days and three nights in the interior of the whale, causing the animal considerable annoyance when he exercised. Was later mal de mared, swam ashore, and thanked his lucky stars for his indigestibility and the illness of his rescuer. His story was published. Still causes some comment. Tradition also says that J. never could look a fish in the face after the harrowing incident. Ambition: Dry land. Recreation: Mountain climbing. Address: Sodom. Clubs: Alpine.
JONATHAN, a man who loved King David more than a successor.
JONES, John, made a fortune for Europe by inventing the picture post-card.
JONES, John Paul, an American admiral who scared England, and was only prevented from capturing London by the unimportance of the place.
JOSEPH, a Hebrew-Egyptian politician. Born in Judea. When a young man he became his father's favorite, while his brethren had to do the heavy work. Wore a loud coat. This aroused the ire of his brethren, resulting in Joe being sold as a slave, and in the coat being sent to the cleaners. J. journeyed to Egypt, where he refused to elope with the Pharaohess. Her husband, the Pharaoh, out of gratitude, put J. in prison, and afterward made him the royal butler. Years passed. A famine occurred in Judea. Joe's brethren came down to Egypt to lay in provisions. There they were confronted by the coatless Joe, who thanked them for the good luck they had thrust upon him.
JOSEPHINE, only one of that great multitude of women who carried a heart which was broken by the ambitions of a man.
JUDAS, suicide.
JUDY, Mrs. Punch, but usually unconventionally called by her first name. She suffered considerable annoyance at the hands of her husband, although she frequently hen-pecked him. Went on the puppet stage for a few hundred years, displaying her domestic infelicity.
JULIET, a celebrated sweetheart who permitted her lover to make love on a balcony. Her history was written by one Shakespeare, and had a splendid sale. (See Romeo.)
JUPITER, boss of the ancient gods, father of most of them, and a regular Frenchman. Ambition: To run everything. Recreation: Killing giants, disguising himself as a swan, etc. Address: Olympia.
JUSTICE, only a mythological character whose statue has been frequently erected. She had eye trouble. In the United States J. carried scales with a small statue of politics in one pan, and money in the other. Her statues in other countries are said to be different, although occasionally the little statues are found in the pans.
KAISER, T. H. E., alias Emperor William, "Bill" to his friends; a German of some prominence, who caused heartfailure in Europe, considerable comment in England, and much applause in his own country. Was also a naval constructor. Born of royal parents. Inherited his father's position. At a tender age he formed a passion for an army. Like all royal children, he had his own way. His plaything has grown steadily, is in fine condition, but is only used for parading and scaring purposes. His later years were spent in making additions to the fleet, but for what purpose even the wisest sages could not guess. K. was also honored by a visit from T. Roosevelt (see the Wonder) on his exhibition through Europe. It is said he could not learn anything from his adviser. Heir: The crown prince. Ambition: His army applied to the socialists. Recreation: Army. Address: Army. Clubs: Army.
KEELEY, Doctor, water-wagon manufacturer. Claimed fame solely on account of the invention which prevented men from going home to a scolding without the assistance of lamp posts. Declared his cure was as good as gold. Was strongly opposed by John Barleycorn and his friends. Never cared for New York, London, or Paris. K.'s end never has been made public. Historians are endeavoring to ascertain whether he practiced what he preached. Ambition: Large breweries. Recreation: Getting away from business. Address: All large cities. Clubs: W. C. T. U.
KHAYYAM, Omar, a fine old Persian who wrote a beautiful and heartfelt commentary on headache producers. Ambition: More grapes. Recreation: A flask, books, and a Persian "thou." Epitaph: He Certainly Practised What He Preached.
KIDD, Captain, the man who spent his life burying the treasure which several people have been sure they could locate. Was said to have been one of the finest men who ever scuttled a ship.
KILLER, Jack The Giant, a man who combined his name and accomplishments.
KIPLING, Rudyard, an English writer who has not been knighted.
KNOX, John, of Edinburgh. He was the man who introduced the kirk into Scotland, but failed to launch the collection plate.
KRUGER, Oom Paul, an Old Dutch cleanser who certainly made England scrub up.
KUBELIK, Jan, the only violinist who never gave a farewell concert.
LACHAISE, Pere, confessor of Louis XIV for thirty-four years. He was such an attentive listener and heard so much that the leading cemetery in Paris was named in his honor.
LAMB, Charles, one of those immortals who forgot his life of tears to place smiles on paper.
LANGTRY, Mrs., the Sarah Bernhardt of England less considerable talent. Ambition: Those old time lovers.
LAOCOON, a Trojan priest who suffered with delirium tremens. Together with his sons he posed for his statue while encumbered with a bad attack. Address: Vatican, Rome.
LAURIE, Annie, of Maxwelton. The only woman in history who had a brow like a snowdrift. Also the only good-looking lassie in Scotland to whom Burns did not write a few poems. L. was engaged to be married; no record of the ceremony can be found.
LAW, Andres Bonar, a Scotchman who gave up the iron business to become a mere member of Parliament. Is said to have spoken on Irish questions. Ambition: (?). Recreation: Travel, except in the south of Ireland. Address: Parliament. This will probably hold good for several editions of Who Was Who. Clubs: Conservative, of course.
LAW,[6] Mother-in-, no relation of the above. A much-abused ancient whose life and story has been written by malicious biographers. In reality L. was a kind soul who invited us to dinner, permitted the gas to be turned down, and always knocked before she came into the room. Later she wiped the dishes, took care of her grandchild (see Baby), helped pay the bills, and told the neighbors what a fine son-in-law she had. Ambition: Daughter. Recreation: Our house. Address: Our house most of the time. Clubs: Suffrage.#[6] Ed. Note: The editor will not be held responsible for the accuracy of the above.
LAWSON, Thomas W., just a squeeler.
LEDA, see mythology books, paintings, and statuary. Also Jupiter, Castor, and Pollux.
LEE and PERKINS, discoverers of Worcestershire sauce and royal saucerers to the king.
LEHAR, Frank, the man who assisted the Merry Widow to make her debut. Also was the press agent for Mr. Maxim, of Paris. Ambition: To find another widow.
LEONORE, became famous because she had a lover who left her with a good song.
LEOPOLD, King, of the Congo and Belgium. Has not been dead long enough for historians to make him famous. Ambition: Song, women, and wine. Recreation: Wine, women, and song. Address: Several in Brussels. Epitaph: Quantum Mutatus Ab Illo.
LIBERTY, a huge lady who guards New York harbor, and welcomes Italy and Poland to the United States.
LIMBURGER, of Germany. Manufacturer of a self-advertising cheese.
LIPTON, Sir Thomas, a knighted Irishman who advertised tea with Shamrocks, and one of the men of his race who did not enter politics or the police force. Ambition: That cup.
LISZT, Frank, a piano player who wore long hair, wrote music, and played the piano.
LLOYD, the man who will insure anything except the prospects for the sale of this book.
LORELEI, said to be a beautiful German lady who always hides herself when the tourist goes down the Rhine.
LOT, Mrs. Lot's husband.
LOT, Mrs., the only woman who had an inquisitiveness which became practical. She also was considered one of the salt of the earth.
LOUIS I, 778-840, called the Debonnaire. Introduced cafe's into France. Put the "is" in Paris.
LOUIS II, 846-879. Introduced chorus girls into France. Patron of cafe's.
LOUIS III, 882-936. Introduced champagne into France. Continued the works of his predecessors.
LOUIS IV, 936-954. Introduced high heels. Continued the work of his predecessors.
LOUIS V, 966-987. Introduced absinthe.
LOUIS VI, 1106-1137. Enlarged the works of his ancestors. Started pre-tango dancing.
LOUIS VII, 1137-1180. Fought Germany. Inaugurated the French menu.
LOUIS VIII, 1187-1196. Introduced the words "a la" and dressmakers into Paris.
LOUIS IX, called the saint, 1215-1263. Was a good Louis. Fought the Turks and was taken prisoner. His subjects thought 7,000,000 francs worth of him. Was awarded his halo for work in the Crusades. Not a patron of his ancestors. Very unpopular in Paris.
LOUIS X, 1289-1316. Reopened cafe's. Introduced the taxicab. Very popular.
LOUIS XI, 1423-1483. Fought England, and died too soon to hear of the discovery of the United States.
LOUIS XII, 1462-1515. Was king when the United States were discovered.
LOUIS XIII, 1601-1643. Permitted Cardinal Richelieu to king for him. Was a patron of cafe's, champagne, and Paris in general.
LOUIS XIV, called the Grand, 1638-1715. Furniture builder, salon decorator, wig maker, and constructor. Also assisted Paris in acquiring her reputation. Built Versailles, the Louvre, and Napoleon's tomb. He was the man who captured Alsace-Lorraine from Germany. (See Napoleon III.) Motto: I am the state. Ambition: Strauss waltzes at Versailles. Recreation: Dancing and attending to affairs of state. Address: Versailles.
LOUIS XV, 1710-1774, called a Bird. He lived during the reigns of Queens Pompadour and Du-Barry.
LOUIS XVI, 1754-1793. A Louis who continued the traditions of his ancestors, but--. Married Marie Antoinette. Introduced the turkey trot and the salome dance at Versailles. While his subjects were starving he ate pate de foies gras. They objected and carried his White Wigginess to Paris, where he ended his reign. Ambition: To have been any one of his ancestors, even No. 9. Recreation: Short walks in the jail yard. Address: Not permitted to receive letters. Epitaph: Easy Falls The Head Which Wore A Crown.
LOUIS XVII, 1785-1795. The only Louis who did not live long enough to have the good times of his ancestors, and the only Louis for whom the world has a word of sympathy.
LOUIS XVIII, 1775-1824, called the Last. He was the Louis who got back on the job after the dizziness of the Revolution and Napoleon had subsided.
LOVER, T. H. E., conqueror of worlds, architect of castles, lunatic, and saint. Spent early days only in living. In young manhood he met Her. From that moment all other hers he had known became lemons. L. was an expert prevaricator. Polished shoes, dressed neatly, shaved every day, and never ate onions. Spent evenings at Her house. Detested gas or electric lights. Was fond of the fireplace and hands. Quarreled occasionally. Spent salary for theatre tickets, candy, and flowers. Walked on air. Had a terrible time keeping away from his friends who wanted him to have a good time. One night Her looked wonderfully beautiful. L. said some things. He could not keep quiet. Her blushed, permitted him to sit closer, and then told L. he was the dearest, sweetest, finest, biggest, noblest, bravest lovey in the wide, wide world. Later L. secured an embarrassing interview and visited a jewelry store. Diet: Poor. Ambition: A mother-in-law. Address: Her home. Clubs: None. Epitaph: For Men May Come and Men May Go.
LUTHER, Martin, a German who started competition.
McGINTY, a celebrated Irish diver.
McGRAW, John J., Manager of the New York Baseball organization, frequently used by the Philadelphia Athletics to gain the world's championship.
MACBETH, Lady, a royal somnambulist.
MACKINTOSH, discoverer of a method of keeping dry outside on a rainy day.
MAGELLAN, the man who got into straits and straights.
MAN, Sand, an old fellow who visits houses blessed with a child. Only calls after supper. Tells the little one he has played enough for the day, and sprinkles some sand in his eyes. When M. departs the little bundle is asleep in the nursery or all cuddled up in Mother's lap. Ambition: Sand for the older folks.
MANUEL, King, of England, and late of Portugal. Introduced Parisian life into Lisbon. Was a very sweet and very wise young man. Overlooked the fact that a king may rule a nation, but frequently is a poor press agent. Became incensed at his army and subjects. Moved in haste. Ambition: Lisbon and a dancing queen. Recreation: Watch bill-boards. Address: Watch bill-boards. Clubs: Down and Out. Epitaph: A Manuel And His Kingdom Are Soon Parted.
MARAT, one of the fathers of the French Revolution, who could rule a city, but not a woman.
MARCEL, Madame, of France. Discovered a good excuse for women to gaze in mirrors. Also caused heartfailure on a rainy day.
MARCONI, Guglielmo, the man who made the inventors of telegraph poles and wires look foolish. His inventions have made it possible for New York stock brokers to continue their business while journeying to Paris.
MARINER, A., traveler, albatross raiser. Gathered fame by making a voyage with some dead ones. His feat has frequently been duplicated on liners out of the regular tourist season.
MARK, Saint, of Venice. Guarded the pigeons of his square and the tourist who dwelt within his canals.
MARTINI, manufacturer of an American before-dinner drink which tastes too good.
MARY, a young girl who was presented with a famous lamb. Seldom was seen without the animal. Conveyed it to school with her one day, thus causing considerable mirth among the pupils. Was severely reprimanded by the teacher, as it was against the regulations of the institution to permit animals, other than the children, in the class-rooms. M. returned the lamb to the stable. Her biography has been extensively published.
MATERLINCK, a Belgian who believed the best way to get "copy" about himself into the newspapers was to try to keep it out. Recreation: Bluebird raising.
MAXIM, patron saint of the American-English tourist in Paris, who introduced New York prices into a naughty cafe. When a young man he discovered that the tourists were not paying enough money to see the sights. With the assistance of some handsomely gowned women he opened a cafe on the Rue Royal where they could. For years it was patronized by his countrymen until they were ruined. Later only royalty and tourists were permitted to enter and form a mistaken idea of the real French cafe, pay double prices for everything, see a few chorus girls, hear champagne bottles, and talk to English-speaking waiters. Ambition: Americans. Recreation: Staying at home. Press Agent: The Merry Widow and the Girl from Maxims. Epitaph: Honi Soit Qui Mal y Pense.
MAXIM, no relation of the above, as he only manufactured things to kill people, and not to financially ruin them.
MEDICI, Katie, an Italian French woman whose past was uncovered by those historians. Was fond of poison, but did not care for Methodists or Presbyterians.
MEDUSA, a celebrated ancient who had the delirium tremens in an acute stage.
MELLIN, he was the man who tried to cheat the baby out of the bottle.
MENDELSSOHN, wrote a tune which is usually played when a man goes to his fate.
MENNEN, the manufacturer of a baby and good complexion perquisite. Nothing like it for your face after shaving. His picture has been widely distributed, but never admired.
MERCURY, errand boy for the gods. Wore a pair of winged feet and feathers in his hat. Was also an artist's model. Ambition: A telegraph. Recreation: Same as the gods. Address: General delivery.
METHUSELAH, an ancient who was not like one in a thousand.
MICHEL, Saint, he kicked the devil out of paradise, and was instantly made the patron saint of France.
MIKE, Pat's partner (see Pat).
MILTON, John, wrote a Dante book, the title of which is known by everybody and the contents by few.
MOET and CHANDON, two competitors of Mr. Mumm who did much to bring the price of champagne to within the reach of millionaires.
MOHAMMED, inventor of the harem, and the man who introduced mormonism into Arabia. (See B. Young.) Also manufactured crescents, religion, and made Mecca the mecca for everything. Early life spent in business. This did not pay. He then married a widow and retired. Took up religion as a hobby. Became a professional. Found the sword was mightier than his kin. His salvation army was successful. His prisoners were given the alternative of a finely tempered, beauti-fully inlaid damascus blade or Islam. They always became fervently religious. Later M. embarked on a marrying campaign with equal success. Publications: The Koran, a treatise on everything. Ambition: The crescent on every flag. Recreation: Walking toward mountains; stroking his beard. Address: 23 Blvd. Allah, Mecca, Arabia. Epitaph: A Man's Works Take After Him.
MOLIERE, Jean B. P., a French author who wrote a few plays we do not have to see alone.
MONROE, James, the founder of a doctrine, the practicability of which nations desire to learn, and yet do not wish to make the test.
MORSE, Samuel G., an inventor who might have used his talents in other lines had Marconi lived before his time.
MOSES, whose whereabouts in the dark has puzzled all generations. Born in the bullrushes of Egypt. Entered politics as the son of Pharaoh's daughter and the leader of the Ghetto. When M. waxed astute, after the manner of his people, he discovered there were not sufficient shekels for himself and countrymen in the land of Egypt. He pleaded and plagued the king for permission to close the pawn shops and clothing stores. Now in those days the children of Egypt were wont to patronize the bazaars of the children of the Chosen, and Pharaoh was wroth within himself and refused the passports. The brave rabbi closed the kosher meat stores and took ship's leave. Adopting an original compass, he made forced marches to the Red Sea. Here the synagogue was overtaken by Pharaoh and his army. M. spilled the sea on them and marched on. From this time the journey to the Promised Land was slow. Whether this was due to good business or sore feet history does not relate. M. later climbed a mountain and received the ten commandments. After breaking them he returned to camp. He died before the journey was complete. Publications: Histories. Ambition: A railroad from Cairo to Jerusalem. Recreation: Tennis and camel racing. Also enjoyed tent life. Address: Care of Jewish Legation.
MOSES, Holy, no relation of the above. He was the fellow who came around when you hit your finger with the hammer.
MULLER, Maud, one of the few country girls who never went to New York City.
MUMM,[7] the man who made the most expensive drink on earth. The products of his cellars are frequently purchased by persons who cannot afford them. They form one of the principal ingredients of a good time (see Paris).#[7] Ed. Note: The editor is personally responsible for the above stated facts.
MUNCHAUSEN, Baron, traveler, explorer. While many of his books, lectures, and newspaper interviews have been questioned by scientific men, he is held in high regard due to his failure to claim the discovery of the north pole.
MUNYON, Doctor, an American herb doctor and optimist. Held the theory that while there was life there was a chance to sell some of his medicine.
MURPHY, Charles J. See What's Who of New York City.
NAPOLEON, a little Frenchman who wore a big hat, a little curl on his forehead, and whose ambitions were larger than his good luck. Started life by placing Corsica on the map. Like all great men, he was the dunce at school. Later he used his masters and prize-winning chums as first-row soldiers. Entered the army. Never succeeded as a sentry. Frequently amused himself by taking a couple of soldiers and capturing a city or an army between meals. The politicians in Paris saw the young man was not without talents. They gave him a few more soldiers. Then he went after countries. Captured Egypt, but had trouble with one Nelson of England. N. became unpopular with his neighbors. They all attacked him. He attacked them all. That settled it. He ate wars. After the powers were powerless N. scampered about Europe adding countries to France. He devoured Germany. Went after Russia, but they made it too hot and too cold for him. Had more trouble with that man Nelson. Became rich and divorced. Introduced Roosevelt publicity tactics into France and carried a third term. Started things. Began quarreling again. At last he was cooped up in Paris, and flew the white flag. Visited Elba. Revisited France. Started things again. Took some veterans to Belgium. There he was met by another Englishman by the name of Wellington who introduced him to Waterloo. For his kindness in leaving Europe England presented N. with a whole island, a complementary guard, and paid all his living expenses for six years. Later N. became responsible for one of the sights of Paris. Always carried his right hand in the front of his coat. Ambition: A French Nelson, England, and progeny. Recreation: Walking along the shore. Address: Fontainbleau, Europe, and At Sea. Epitaph: I Desire That My Ashes Shall Rest On The Banks Of The Seine Among The Few French People I Did Not Take To War.
NAPOLEON II. Absent.
NAPOLEON III. He was the man who did not devour Germany. Ambition: Rough on rats for the Kaiser and Bismarck. Recreation: Travel. Address: Paris when the Dutchmen would permit him. Epitaph: Here Lies A Napoleon, But No Bonaparte.
NARCISSUS, a lover who forgot there were other girls, and pined away into a flower and a tiresome song.
NATION, Carrie, a window-smashing American liquor suffragette who believed the ridiculous doctrine that all men should be sober all the time.
NEBUCHADNEZZAR, King, an old king whose name is blamed hard to spell.
NEPTUNE, boss of the seas. Has charge of the Atlantic liners, wireless, and the seasick. Ambition: A bridge from London to New York. Recreation: Storms. Address: Atlantic. Clubs: Yacht.
NERO (first name forgotten). A Roman emperor who thought nothing burned like a good tarred Christian. Also made fire departments a necessity in the Eternal City. Ambition: A good show in the Colosseum. Recreation: Fiddling. Clubs: Chorus Girls. Epitaph: For He Was A Jolly Good Fellow.
NERO, Mrs., Nero's wife, who had considerable trouble with her husband.
NEWTON, Isaac, a man who was knighted for propounding the theory that it is easier to wait under a tree for an apple to fall than to climb after it.
NIC, Old, a friend of everybody, no matter who turns them down. Will stick to you clear to the end. One of those good souls who never fails to give encouragement and grasp you by the hand when you want to do something you know you should not do. Was driven from home when a young man. Set up competition and succeeded wonderfully. Organized the largest community in existence. This is steadily growing despite considerable opposition. N. numbers among his friends most of the great people who ever lived. He is counting on others. Caused much worry to mothers and wives, but seldom troubled the men. Publications: French literature; some fine books and pictures. Occupation: Looking for idle hands. Ambition: You. Recreation: Theatres, cabarets, music halls, cafe's, champagne, Mone Carlo, etc. Fond of chorus girls. Address: Paris. N. also travels extensively. Epitaph: Ad Infinitum.
NIMROD, the first grouse, pheasant, and deer hunter who succeeded without the advantages of a gun, a game preserve, or a license.
NOAH, ship-builder, animal tamer. A fine old ancestor who had considerable to do in preserving the race for we posterity. When a young man he shunned the ways of young men, and never sat in the seat of the scornful. Studied shipbuilding on the Clyde and designed the largest floating stable on record. Made quite a reputation as an animal collector. Took to the sea when well advanced in years. N. was the first man to descend Mt. Ararat without first making the ascension. Publications: The Log of the Ark. Ambition: No more floods, or a larger crew. Recreation: Bridge. Address: Care of the Editor. Clubs: Yacht. Epitaph: De Profundis.
NOBLE, A., of Norway, the inventor of the black hand and labor union weapon. His invention also made possible the premature discharge of dynamite and the awarding of the Noble prizes.
O'CONNELL, Dan, said to have been an Irishman. Probably born in Dublin, raised in Dublin. Raised cain in Dublin. Repealed in Dublin. Dublined in Dublin. Died in Dublin. Tradition connects his name with the early stages of the home rule bill. Ambition: Ireland south of Ulster. Recreation: Oratory. Address: Dublin. Clubs: Dublin. Favorite Color: Green.
O'GRADY, Sweet Rosie, also of Ireland, long dead, but still bragged about.
ORANGE, William of, also of Ireland. He was the man who made it a crime to wear the color named after him on the seventeenth of March. (See St. Patrick.)
ORPHEUS, lutist. When a young man he was given a lute. Practised in obscurity, and later appeared before large audiences. Made several successful concert tours. Married Eurydice. Spent a happy honeymoon. The bride did not wear shoes. She was bitten by a serpent. She died. O. descended to the abode of Old Nic, and charmed him with some Grecian ragtime. Nic promised to return the lady if O. would promise to get out of the place without looking around to see what other respectable people were there. O. started for the door. He heard familiar voices and rubbered. That ended the contract, and for all the editor has been able to ascertain Eurydice is there to this day.
OSTLER, William, a doctor who was knighted for proposing that all fossils should be ostlerized. Ambition: To murder the men who got that story into print. Recreation: Medicine. Address: Oxford. Epitaph: He Practised, But Not What He Preached.
OTHELLO, of Venice. Born in Morocco. Went to Venice and fell in love with one Desdemona, an Italian girl. They were married. Mrs. Othello lost one of her favorite handkerchiefs and was killed by her enraged husband. Shakespeare, of England, a writer, heard of the incident and made some money out of it.
PADEREWSKI, Ignace Jan, another farewell-concert giver, who wore long red hair, a soulful expression, insured his fingers, and broke pianos.
PALLAS, a Grecian goddess who was metamorphosed into a raven perch by Poe.
PAN, monstrosity, musical instrument maker, friend of poets. Born half a man and half a goat. Took after the latter. Studied music under the old masters and outfluted Apollo. Was also a sheep fancier. Fathered fife and drum corps. Ambition: A pair of shoes or a goat's appetite. Recreation: Hunting and falling in love. Address: Greece. Clubs: Musical.
PAN, Peter, a little fellow who was a delightful actress, believed in fairies, and crowded houses in England and the United States.
PANKHURST, Mrs., a celebrated English woman who terrorized a government, starved herself, smashed windows, blew up things, and made speeches for a living. Girlhood spent in developing muscle, pluck, and theories. She appeared before the public and declared that the liquor traffic would be terminated when women voted. Spent years of her life wondering why the men would not give them the privilege. Never cared for the ministry, although she was a very good woman. Ambition: A woman king. "Votes for Women" in the Union Jack. Recreation: Planning the "next." Publications: From the Cradle to the Ballot. Windows I have Smashed. Address: London. Care Scotland Yard.
PANKHURST, Sylvia, a little Pankhurst who helps mamma break things.
PANZA, Sancho, Don Quixote's interlocutor and stable boss.
PARIS, son of the King of Tyre, who ran away with another man's wife named Helen. A city in France has been named to do him honor.
PARNELL, C. S., father of the downfall of English ministries and Ulster. Born of Irish parents. First man to successfully explode dynamite in Parliament without being executed. Ambition: An Ulsterless Ireland, a Conservativeless England. Address: Close to the English ministry. Epitaph: The Bills Men Introduced Live After Them.
PARSIFAL, the longest-winded singer who ever stepped on an opera stage.
PASTEUR, Doctor, discoverer. Experimented with mad dogs until he came to the conclusion they should be shot or chained. A subway station in Paris has been named after him.
PATRICK, Saint, a Scotchman who drove all the snakes out of Ireland with the exception of those in bottles. Also introduced the brogue and the shamrock into the Emerald Isle.
PAT, also of Ireland. At an early age he emigrated to the United States. There he took up the hod-carrying business. Went on the stage and set the world laughing. He also entered politics, captured the American police force, and, together with his brothers in Parliament, rules Great Britain and the United States.
PATTI, Adelina, a singer who said au revoir but not good bye. Epitaph: Cum Grano Salis.
PEAR,[8] the man who names most of the London busses, and keeps the people of England clean for a penny a week. His business is international with the exception of Glasgow and Italy.#[8] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement. The editor does not use soap.
PEARY, Captain Robert E., explorer who said he reached the north pole and convinced a few people. Was also forced to write a book and lecture. Publications: How Dr. Cook Almost Got Ahead of Me. Ambition: That a certain man had not made him get all the way there the last time. Grave: The Cook incident.
PENN, William, a man whose picture appears on all Quaker Oats boxes. An Englishman who left his country, bought Pennsylvania, built the slow, old town of Philadelphia, and hung up the American Liberty Bell.
PERICLES, of Athens. Political boss, philosopher, and general. Secured his reputation through brains, a voice, and a well-oiled political machine. Started the golden age of Greece with a loud blast of the horn of plenty.
PETER, no relation to the following. He introduced the art of chocolate making into Switzerland, and the art of eating it into America. Ambition: More children and people with sweet teeth.
PETER, Saint, a fine old bearded saint who is an excellent bookkeeper, and a detester of roosters. A church in Rome has taken his name. Ambition: A new key. Recreation: Oiling hinges. Address: Golden gates.
PHARAOH, of Egypt. Benefactor of Moses and Joseph. Was also the father of Pharaoh's daughter. Built a few pyramids, cigarette factories, and made a handsome mummy.
PHILIP II, a king of Spain who, with an armada to press his suit, endeavored to marry a queen of England. Both the suit and the armada were left in the bay of Biscay, and the queen an old maid. Ambition: To the Inquisition with all Englishmen. Motto: Faint heart never won fair lady. Address: Spain.
PINAUD, Edward, discoverer of the only thing which would have saved your hair.
PINKHAM, Lydia, of vegetable compound fame. Made a fortune out of advertisements, little boxes of pills, and women who believed what they read.
PIPER, Peter, famous picker of pickled peppers. Also held accounts against many people. Caused considerable worry to his creditors.
PITMAN, Isaac, discovered a method of making political speakers more careful of what they said. His invention has secured wealthy husbands for many a pretty and poor stenographer.
PLUTARCH, the only man who had more lives than a cat.
PLUTO, boss of the underworld until Old Nic got on the job. Also the manufacturer of a morning beverage.
PLUVIUS, E., was the fellow who always made it rain when you wanted to wear your new hat or go to a ball game.
POE, Ed. A., an American poet who specialized in ravens and cold chills.
POINCAIRE, Raymond, a Frenchman who has a splendid opportunity to get out of this book.
POLLUX, Leda's other twin. (See Mother and Brother.
POLO, Marco, F. R. G. S., traveler, discoverer, and lecturer. Began expeditions from Venice. Discovered China, Japan, and the Orient. Returned to Venice and Doctor Cooked his neighbors. He is supposed, however, to have visited the countries, as he produced a pair of chop sticks, a Chinese laundry, and some Japanese lanterns. These were accepted as proofs by the University of Venice. Ambition: The north pole.
POMPADOUR, Madame, coiffeur, Queen of France. Said to have been a peach. Was a great friend of Louis XV, and helped make the dances at Versailles a success. Ambition: Plenty of hair. Recreation: Versailles. Address: See Louis. Clubs: Anti.
POWELL-BADEN, Robert S., a warrior who retired from service and invented soldiers to be shot when the next big war comes along.
PROCRASTINATOR, T. H. E., an extinct man who believed in the doctrine of To-morrow. He was a thief, but was never convicted. Ancient records state he invariably had an excuse for present inactivity, but would promise results the following day. Was a close friend of Failure. Put off everything except Death, and even did his best to keep him away as long as possible. Motto: No time like the future. Ambition: To accomplish to-morrow what the other fellow is doing to-day. Recreation: Always before business. Address: Nobody knows. Clubs: Many.
PROGRESS, Pilgrim, an Englishman who made an extensive journey encumbered with a large pack. He visited Paris, had some hairbreadth escapes, was stuck in the mud, but finally returned and became respectable like all other Englishmen.
PUCCINI, Giacomo, maker of tunes and curtain calls. A musician who did not starve, and who gave the classical name "La Faniculla del West" to the plain "girl of the golden west."
PULLMAN, an American who invented an expensive means of travel. P. also is responsible for the vast fortunes acquired by porters.
PUNCH, husband of Judy, and a great favorite with the children, even if he did beat his old wife. Led a hen-pecked life. Traveled in several European countries and spoke all the best-selling languages. His name has been given to a serious London publication.
PYTHAGORAS, a Greek who said some people would be pigs after they were dead.
QUIETUS, Fluvius, of Rome. Always put his name to everything when he came around.
QUIXOTE, Don, famous knight-errant of Spain. Made some desperate conquests for his lady-love, and was defeated by a windmill. In all his defeats, however, he showed to the world that a laugh cuts deeper than a sword, and that satire would kill where a lance could not penetrate. The word quixotic is used to his commemoration.
RALEIGH, Walt., one of the men who was permitted to hold hands with Queen Elizabeth. His other feats were the introduction of the pipe into England and the plug into Ireland.
RAMESES II, an Egyptian king who went about building burial mountains, statues to himself, and permitting cigarettes to be named after him.
RAPHAEL, a decorator who took paint in its raw state and made it worth money. Filled walls, principally in Italy, with some expensive paintings, and, like Angelo, used the Vatican as his studio. Ambition: Churches with larger walls. Recreation: Painting, art, and canvas weaving. Address: All galleries.
RECAMIER, Madame, of Paris. Supplied the society column to the newspapers. To be invited to her salon meant that you would get plenty to eat, that you were somebody, that you would see somebody, and that you would have to wear your Sunday clothes. Her R. S. V. P.'s were always accepted. R. finally lost her money, and with it her friends. Ambition: The man of the hour. Epitaph: When She Had It She Spent It.
REMBRANDT, Dutch painter who specialized in portraits of old ladies and Rembrandt. Also brought considerable fame down upon himself by filling a museum in Amsterdam with tourist-drawing paintings.
REMINGTON, the man who invented a typewriter at which many pretty stenographers[11] sit.#[11] Ed. Note: Advertisement for the stenographers, not the machine.
REVIEWER, The Book, he is the fellow who said a chef-d'oeuvre like Who Was Who should be used for ballast.
RHODES, Cecil, a poor boy who saved his money and purchased South Africa.
RHODES, Colossus of, a giant of antiquity who was not killed by a stone. He rusted to death.
RICHELIEU, Cardinal, the man who held down the throne for Louis XIII, and disagreed with the Duke of Buckingham.
RITZ, innkeeper who made hotels in which we all would like to stop, but cannot. Ambition: Americans and English nobility. Recreation: Visiting his hotels. Address: Ritz and Carlton. Clubs: Does not need any.
ROBESPIERRE, a French politician who had the opportunity of doing to his enemies what most politicians would like to do to theirs. Was finally voted out and down.
ROBINSON, Jack, brother of Sam Hill. He claimed distinction simply because some people were sufficiently clever to do things before his name could be pronounced.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., an American who endeavored to drive his camel through the eye of a needle by giving advice, building churches and colleges, and squeezing competitors. Like all millionaires, he was born penniless. R. worked hard, helped the missions out of his $3 a week, married, and purchased some oil fields. He struck oil. He made it in a trust. Then he began purchasing colleges to keep young men out of business. As his wealth increased his stomach and hair wore out. Could make seven people dizzy thinking of his money. Spent the latter portion of his life dodging subpoenae servers, and doubling his fortune by the dissolution of his business. Ambition: More churches, colleges, and less competition. Also another Supreme Court decision. Recreation: Golf, the coiffeurs, and telling young men of the futility of competition. Address: Courts and church. Clubs: Y. M. C. A., when he can spare the time from his legal and congressional investigations.
ROCKEFELLER, John D., Jr., the little Rockefeller who will have the fun of spending it. He was a good boy, and told other young men how fortunate they were in being born poor and all about the fungus which grows on the root of all evil. Never knew what a good time he could have with his Dad's coin in Paris. Ambition: To be like father. Recreation: Sunday school. Occupation: Forming new trusts and enlarging the old ones. Clubs: Y. M. C.A.
RODIN, August, a Frenchman who did his utmost to fill European and American galleries with statues at a price which would have made Mike Angelo a billionaire.
ROJESVENSKY, Admiral, a great Russian admiral and sea fighter who gloriously defeated the fishing squadron in the English Channel. Later hit a snag in the Orient.
ROMEO, Juliet's best fellow, who learned that his road to true love ended in a cemetery.
ROMULUS, Remus' twin. Collaborated with his brother in home life and in building Rome.
ROOSEVELT, Theodore, nom de plume, T. R., Teddy, press agent, The Outlook, "I," traveler, teddy bear manufacturer, lecturer, interview giver, museum collector, "ME," Guildhall orator, dee-lighted, "MYSELF," mooser, hunter, band-wagon driver, band-wagon, Panama canal, rough rider, circus leader, circus, down-with-rafter, and a former retired and retiring president of the United States. When a young man he spent his father's money by going to college, shooting lions, and raising a large family. During the Spanish-American War he employed a troop of rough riders, stormed San Juan Hill, and got into the newspapers. Made up his mind he would stay there. R. became governor of New York State with ambitions. Being a wealthy man, and capable of contributing to the cause of the Republican party, he was elected vice-president of the United States. A hand other than his own made him president. Here his newspaper career really began. R. first opened a three-ring circus in the White House, wore a rough rider hat, and told the country what a great president he was. The voters believed him, and did not object to four years more. During this administration R. successfully advertised himself, the family, started the Panama Canal, and appointed one William Howard Taft (see Poor Bill) his successor. R. then traveled through Africa with a magnificent body guard of photographers and newspaper men. After shooting a museum-full of specimens, he toured Europe and told the king how to king and the emperors how to emp. Returning to the United States he placed his hand in state politics. Fingers were badly burned. When it came time to elect another president, R. was tired of scene shifting and yearned for the bouquets of the audience. He girded up his loins with the robes of sanctity, placed an international Harvester Trust halo over his head, and proclaimed himself a second Moses who was destined to lead the children of America out of the Land of the Frying Pan into that of the Fire. With a mighty army of politicians, who also wanted to get back, R. started his campaign with such a huge band he could not hear any others. The fight was based on telling the voters how easily they had been deceived four years earlier in what he had told them concerning that "molycoddle Taft." R. was elected by the greatest majority in history until the ballots were hatched. Later he joined the ranks of William Jennings Bryan. Publications: The "I" books. Ambition: To get back into Who's Who and Washington. Address: The Outlook. Oyster Bay for newspapermen. Clubs: Founder of the Ananias. Epitaph: Same as Bryan's.
ROTHSCHILDS, the Morgan-Rockefellers of Europe without quite as much money.
ROY, Robert, a very wicked Scotchman whom we all hope will always escape the police.
RUBENS, P. P., an artist who realized styles frequently changed, and therefore painted fat people without their clothes.
RUSSE, Charlotte, a pleasant creature, but one who sometimes caused pain after a visit.
RUSSIA, T. H. E., Czar of, an anti-bomb loving monarch with modern subjects and a tenth-century brain. His childhood was spent in a steel-lined cage, guarded by the army and the fleet. He was crowned in a bomb-proof church by a thoroughly searched clergyman, only the crown, the crowner, and the crowned being present to witness the ceremony. Seldom goes about the country, as he fears the heartfelt expressions of his subjects. In 1908 he became mixed up with Japan. Is now economizing. Ambition: Only life. Recreation: Dissolving Doumas. signing death warrants. Address: Large packages are always opened by the servants. Send letters care St. Petersburg police department. Clubs: Army. Epitaph: It Is A Wonder He Did Not Have This Long Ago.
SALOME, a celebrated dancer who could fill the largest opera houses in the world with bald heads, opera glasses, and jealous women. She is still in Who's Who, and probably will remain there until arrested.
SAM, Uncle, a tall, lean, good-natured rich man who sets paces and spends his money. Born July 4, 1776, S. Great Britain. Godfathered by France. Was an impetuous baby. Education: School of experience at Washington. S. was assisted in early life by a number of men who took an interest in him. When thirty-six years of age he chastised his mother, but later became on excellent terms. Went in for land and colonization business. Succeeded. At the age of eighty-four S. suffered from a severe attack of internal indiscretion. Recuperated slowly. Later entered the trust-raising business, and devoted considerable time to politics. In 1897 he spanked a European power, but had to take care of the children after the incident. S. is either Republican or Democratic. Favors the former, although once in awhile he desires change. Wore a goatee, long hair, high hat, a suit made out of the flag, smoked cigarettes, had bad manners, and used much slang. Publications: Bank notes. Ambition: Another Republican president. Address: Washington, D. C., U. S. A. Epitaph: (If he ever gets one he deserves it.
SAMSON, exponent of hair restorer and an iconoclast. When a young man he rehearsed his muscles until he could break a chain and lift a fat lady. Entered the army. Was successful until he became bald. Committed suicide by pushing a temple on himself.
SANDOW, a pupil of the above, vaudeville star and coin collector. One of those individuals whom nature has endowed with a magnificent body, and sufficient brains to make money with it.
SANTOS-DUMONT, a pre-Zeppelin-Wright air investigator who had enough money and sense to quit before people remarked how natural he looked.
SAVONAROLA, a reformer of Florence, Italy, who succeeded in closing the cafe's, theatres, and dance halls. He was popular with the masses until election day. When the opposition returned they made it hot for him.
SAWYER, Thomas, a plain American boy who was rescued from obscurity by Mark Twain, and became a good salesman.
SCHLITZ, press agent of Milwaukee, U. S. A., who was successful in advertising himself and his town. In England he is Schwepps.
SCHOPENHAUER, father of race suicide. Lionized by the French Republic and T. R. Ambition: Empty cribs. Recreation: Trips with his wife and children. Clubs: Mother's.
SCOTS, Mary Queen of, a Scotch lady who is said to have been beautiful, who fell in love, and was one of the few women whose less attractive sister got the better of her.
SCOTT, Walter, a Scotchman who secured fame without adopting the national characteristics. His critics claim this was the reason he failed in business. Wrote some books which are read by students and persons possessing much time.
SEBASTIAN, Saint, the Italian who was shot with arrows and ran second to the apostles in the number of his portraits exhibited in European galleries.
SEIDLITZ, powder manufacturer.
SEVILLE, Barber of, a celebrated tonsorial artist who introduced the marcel wave and the Gillette razor into Spain.
SHACKLETON, Ernest, another pole explorer. He was saved the ignominy of reaching the desired point by the shortness of rations, but he was near enough to become a profitable author and lecturer.
SHAKESPEARE, William, the man who was born at Stratford-on-Avon. When a young man he amused himself by poaching, visiting the Hathaway cottage, and being the village pest. Married the inmate of the cottage and went to London, a city in England. S. became an apprentice actor, and was said to have been nearly as bad an actor as his contemporaries. His fame later arose due to his growing popularity. He died. S.'s birthplace is now one of the tourist sights of the world. More post-cards are sent from this town than from any of its size in Europe. The church where he lies buried has an immense floating congregation. S. also shared honors with one Bacon for writing a few plays. Ambition: Present-day prices in Elizabethan theatres. Recreation: Rehearsals. Address: The World. Epitaph: (Has been obliterated.
SHAMPOO, a barber of Shoo Poo, China, who introduced the art of clean heads into the Celestial Empire. This has since fallen into disrepute in that country, but is sometimes practiced in other lands.
SHAW, G. Bernard, grouch, truth teller. An English writer who made money by being honest enough to tell people what they knew. S.'s enemies claim he would have to work should his theories be put into practice. Believes in socialism and wants everything. Author of considerable sarcasm, wit, and divided opinion as to his talents. Ambition: An Americanless England. Also, sales. Address: Watch bill-boards.
SHEBA, Queen of, an ancient mere woman who matched her brains against the brainiest man who ever lived. She lost.
SHEM, Noah's heir. Was first officer of the Ark.
SHERMAN, General, secured his fame by marching to the sea and giving a terse definition of war.
SHERRY, proprietor of a New York restaurant where a person feels wealthy while at the table and poor afterward.
SHOE, Old Woman of the, one of those anti-race-suicide mothers whose family caused considerable worry. Ambition: A better job for her husband. Address: Shoe. Clubs: She did not have time for any, and thus could not be a suffragette.
SHUSTER, Morgan, an American child who attempted to play the diplomatic game in Persia with grown ups. Was spanked and sent home. Occupation: Crying. Ambition: Ambassador to a country without diplomats. Address: Home.
SHYLOCK. See New York City business directory.
SIMON, Simple, epicurean. Passed an uneventful life with the exception of an encounter with a confectioner near the fair grounds. The man operated his business on a cash basis. Simon was broke and no sale was consummated.
SINBAD, an old tar whose yarns are still on the distaff.
SISTERS, Seven Sutherland, a noted family who held out salvation for the bald and envy to women.
SMITH, John, the bravest man who ever lived. Smith ate the first lobster.
SMITH, John, secured his renown for living in every city in the world.
SOCRATES. He helped introduce brains into Greece. Committed suicide.
SOLOMON, King, author, musician, builder, benedict. An old Mormon who established a record for wearing wedding clothes. When a child he developed a Boston brain. This grew as the years advanced. At a tender age he began acquiring mothers-in-law. This caused his subjects to doubt his acumen. S. thoroughly vindicated himself, and set about building a city and a big church to hold his family. Wrote a number of popular songs. His proverbs also had a big sale. Ambition: Just one more wife and an end to those quarrels in the harem. Recreations: Picnics with the family. Also was fond of the phonograph. Address: Care the Mrss. Solomon. Epitaph: Here Lies The Original Man Who Knew It All.
SON, Prodigal, tourist, oat sower, and herdsman. Son of wealthy parents. Became tired of home and desired to travel. Visited foreign lands and had a jolly good time. His letter of credit expired. Friends were never at home after the event. S. had to work. Later he took a bath and walked home. Father was delighted and gave a banquet in his honor. Unpopular with his brother. Career: Wild. Satisfaction: Saw something of life. Address: Home.
SOUSA, John P., American bandmaster who wrote books and shot pigeons between march compositions.
SPENCER, Herbert, a scientist who believed the human race degenerated from monkeys, and established the theory that only the survivors are the fittest.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E., a woman who lived years ago in Great Britain and the United States, who believed that noble man was incompetent, incomplete, incompatible, incongruent, inconsistent, and an incubus in his incurious incumbency. She was the daughter of Too Much Time and Too Much Money. Early days spent at home. She married and began her career. S.'s first weakness was a club. Then she fell to the level of a speech maker and a flag carrier. The fanatical desire to see her name in print led to the adoption of strenuous press-agent tactics. She died fighting. Ambition: To offset her husband's vote on election day. Recreation: Parading, windows, bombs, letter boxes, English ministries, and a string of etcs. Epitaph: Requiescat In Pace. (Also see Mrs. Pankhurst and Hope.
SUFFRAGETTE, T. H. E. Anti-, still lives, but is dying fast. Belongs to the moss-back half of femininity. Has serious objection to use of her head, except for decorative purposes. Was not averse to press notices and looked with envy on the achievements of the suffragettes in this direction. Being denied high office in their ranks because of lack of adequate cerebration, she set up a rival organization where brains were not requisite. Entertains the utterly absurd idea that all women, except herself, belong at home with their husbands and children. Where they belong in the absence of these, deponent sayeth not. Ambition: Continued parasitic existence. Recreation: Manufacturing evidence and tagging on behind. Address: Wherever there are suffrage meetings. Epitaph: Alas! The World Does Move And She Was "Agin It."
SULZER, William, the kettle who called Murphy black. Also the governor of New York who enjoyed the unprecedented honor of retiring from office in order that he might be considered a progressive. Motto: Be sure your sins will get you out. Ambition: To be a martyr to the claws. Diet: Tigers. Epitaph: You May Air, You May Perfume Your Clothes As You Will, But The Smell Of Impeachment Will Cling To You Still.
TAFT, William Howard, a former fat, and last Republican, president of the United States who worshipped the trusts, the Constitution, the Supreme Court, and Theodore Roosevelt. The love he bore the latter resulted in his election. The two brothers quarreled because Bill would not step aside and let Teddy run things all over again. The two brothers fought and another ran away with the election. Principal events during T.'s administration: Roosevelt's trip, The Outlook, Oyster Bay, Standard Oil, That election. Ambition: 1916. Recreation: Golf, messages to Congress. Address: Cincinnati, O. Epitaph: How Sharper Than A Serpent's Tooth It Is To Have A Thankless Predecessor.
TANGLEFOOT, he was the man who first stuck flies on flypaper.
TANGUWAY, Eva, an actress who did not care even if those on the front row did.
TENNYSON, Lord, an English poet who turned a perpetual light on a charging brigade.
TERRY, Ellen, a dear old lady whom the world wishes the footlights might always shine upon and upon whom the curtain would never descend.
THAW, Harry K., famous lawyer endower. Entered life as the rich son of a wealthy father. Became interested in the stage at an early age, but only got as far as the chorus. Later performed on a New York roof garden. Alienists say he was the sanest crazy man and the craziest sane man who ever lived. Also obtained some publicity by expensive exploring in Canada and New Hampshire. Ambition: Wreaths for Jerome. Recreation: Straightening jackets. Address: See this morning's paper.
THEMISTOCLES, a Greek warrior who fought, but did not run a marathon.
THIRD, Richard the, a king of England who showed how much he thought of the country by offering to exchange it for any kind of a horse.
THUMB, Thomas, a white pygmy who enriched himself through his misfortunes and the curiosity of the world.
TIBERIUS, just a Roman emperor who fitted the job.
TIFFANY,[12] of New York City, London, and Paris. Introduced high prices into the jewelry business. Greatly admired by fiance's and millionaires. Has gained considerable fame, as his products will pawn on a good margin. Ambition: A man in love.#[12] Ed. Note: This is not an advertisement, as the editor is not an actress.
TIME, Father, a very old man who has been introduced to everybody. Very unpopular with the ladies. A great wound and sorrow healer, but unkind to the old. He went about the world changing babies into men and women, and placing gray hair and wrinkles where they were never wanted. Author: Of tears. Recreation: Reaping. Address: Your home. Epitaph: Ad Finem.
TINTORETTO, a Venetian painting manufacturer. Together with P. P. Rubens he held the record for covering canvas and wearing out brushes. Recreation: He never had any.
TITIAN, another painter of Venice. His works have always been popular with the men. They are exhibited in all European galleries, and cause consternation among clergymen and school teachers. T. certainly could paint. Ambition: Models. Recreation: Models.
TOLSTOY, a voice out of the dark.
TOM. (See Richard and Harry.
TOM, Uncle, an old negro actor who appeared in every city, town, village, and hamlet in the United States north of the Confederate States. His history was written by Mrs. H. B. Stowe, and was the match which kindled the Civil War. The Northerners have since learned that all negroes are not Uncle Toms, and are wondering whether any mistakes were made back in 1861.
TOURISTS, T. H. E., a man and woman who carried a camera, bought post-cards, read Baedekers, visited Cook's office, rode in carriages, and then told their friends all about the trip. Ambition: Just one look at everything. Address: Principally Europe. Epitaph: They Came, They Saw, They Vanished.
TROY, Helen of, a peach of a girl who eloped with a man and caused the longest siege in history to make her elope back again.
TURNER, J. M. W., an English painter whose paint exploded on canvas.
TWAIN, Mark, an American who wore long white hair, made after-dinner speeches, received university degrees, and made people laugh.
TWINS, Siamese, two men who were closer than brothers.
TWIST, Oliver, one of those unfortunates whose history had to be divulged for the financial gain of a great writer and many theatrical mangers.
UFFIZI, an Italian who prevented scores of the old masters from starving to death by filling his house in Florence with their canvases. Since the Morgan art raid the market price has advanced and U.'s investment has become profitable.
ULYSSES, warrior, inventor, and traveler. Sprang into fame at the siege of Troy, where he invented the horse which recaptured Helen. Escaped from Polyphemus, a one-eyed giant, by sticking a burning telegraph pole in his eye. Later performed his greatest feat by evading the Sirens. Stayed away from home so much his wife forgot what he looked like. His dog, however, recalled the scent and prevented U. from sleeping in the barn. Press Agent: Homer. Recreation: Travel, wars. Address: Ithaca.
UNDERWOOD, Oscar, known as Underwood Bill. A gentleman from Alabama who walked in a presidential, but ran in a senatorial, race. He had something to do with the high cost of tariffing.
UNKNOWN, the man who painted thousands of pictures in art galleries.
VALESQUEZ, Spanish canvas coverer. In the absence of the camera, he was appointed the court oil photographer. Exposed a portrait of Philip IV in every gallery in the world. Art textbooks think a great deal of V.
VANDERBILT, an American family of means who possess a few railroads, much of New York City, some splendid divorces, and a weakness for Newport and newspapers.
VAN DYKE, beard inventor and artist. A Dutchman who invaded England with portraits and his tonsorial achievement.
VAN HOUTEN. He was the man who put cocoa in tin boxes.
VENUS, a dream of a girl who lived long ago, posed for her statue, and had to die after everybody fell in love with her. Was born and painted at sea. Married at an early age. Was a regular heart breaker. V. had an affair with one Adonis, and later with Vulcan. Not much is known of her old-ladyhood, as she refused to pose for statues when advanced in years. Ambition: Parisian gowns, the love of the gods. Recreation: Love. Address: The Louvre, Paris. The Uffizi Gallery, Florence. Clubs: She was too good looking to be a suffragette.
VERSONNESE, Paul, decorator of the Doges Palace, Venice, and contributor to most galleries. His work was nearly as prolific as Reubens, and two or three of his paintings compare favorably with the naughty Titian.
VESPASIAN, the man who built the colosseum in Rome for the tourists.
VESPUCCI, A., an enterprising journalist who arrived on the scene after the discovery had been made. V. wrote the story in such a clever manner he succeeded in cheating the discoverer out of naming the place. (See Columbus.
VICTOR, he was the man who put the fox terrier in front of the talking machine.
VINCI, Leonardo Da, painted Mona Lisa for the Louvre, Paris. His reputation has soared in proportion to the duration of her absence. Ambition: To be the Morgan family painter. Recreation: Looking for purchasers. Epitaph: He Has Finished His Last Supper.
VIRGIL, an old text-book writer. Had something to do with the AEneid.
VIRGIN, Vestal, an old maid of Rome who was locked up in the forum for protection. She attended the gladiatorial contests and played with her thumbs.
VITUS, Saint, dancing master whose repertoire did not include the turkey trot.
VOLTAIRE, a Frenchman who went around with a bad taste in his mouth.
VULCAN, fireman and tinsmith. Made a number of celebrated forgings. Had a career like the ancients and fell in love with Venus.
WAGNER, Dick, a Dutchman who wrote a few sheets of music, went into the opera business, but died before the good singers or Hammerstein prices appeared.
WALKER, Johnnie, 1820. Spent most of his life at your favorite bar until you appeared.
WALTON, Isaac, he was the fellow who started those awful fish stories.
WASHINGTON, George, child model, father, etc. Spent early days chopping trees, holding conversations with his father, killing Indians, and being brave. Later he drove those tea-selling Englishmen from the United States, said farewell to his troops, and became a politician. W. decided he was not good enough for a third term and retired. His picture has been widely distributed. Ambition: To be the happy father of a big Uncle Sam. Recreation: Powdering his wig. Address: Washington. Clubs: Anti-Ananias.
WASHINGTON, Booker T., only a distant relation of the above. A big black man who went about the country raising money to put brains into ivory. He also told his audience how unfortunate they were in not being coons. (See Uncle Tom.
WATSON, Doctor. He boswelled Sherlock Holmes.
WEBSTER, Dan., an American statesman and a member of Congress before the invention of investigating committees. He died famous.
WEBSTER, Noah, speller, writer, reference-book maker, and language itemizer. W. was the man to whom Mark Twain paid a glowing tribute by saying he was a great writer, but his stories were too short.
WELLINGTON, Duke of, an Englishman who taught a great French general to say "Tout est perdu." He later taught England that many a good soldier makes a poor politician.
WHITEHEAD, of Fiume, Austria. Mission in life was to reduce the size of dreadnaughts.
WHITTINGTON, Richard, proprietor of a celebrated back-fence walker.
WIDOW, Merry, a dream who hung around Mr. Maxim's restaurant in Paris, made love to nobility, toured the world, and finally died. Death was caused by overexertion. Before the war she was engaged to a Balkan prince. W. visited New York, London, and Paris. Everybody fell in love with her and whistled her praises. Past: (?) Press Agent: Frank Lehar. Ambition: Millionaires. Recreation: After 11.45 P. M. Epitaph: When Will There Be Another Like Her?
WIGGS, Mrs., a woman who successfully advertised cabbages.
WILLIAMS. He was the man who ruined the shaving-mug business.
WILSON, Puddin' Head, a young lawyer who was fathered by Mark Twain. No relation to the following.
WILSON, Woodrow, one time president of an American football, educational institution, who outgrew his job. He moved up to be governor, made a few cure-all speeches, introduced Roosevelt to Bryan, changed his address to Washington. Took out a watchful, waiting policy. Is now in Who's Who, but whether he will remain in that publication or this one cannot be determined at the time of going to press. Ambition: To keep Roosevelt and Bryan running. Recreation: Teaching, Browning, other brain exercises, thinking, Congress. Address: Washington, care Joseph Tumulty. Clubs: Pedagogue, Mexican.
WINSLOW, Mrs., known over the world as the lady who soothes the baby's little tummie.
WONDERLAND, Alice of, traveless discoveress. Made a lady of the Royal Geographical Society. She was a great favorite of the children and many grown ups. She always will remain a Who's Whoess.
WOOLSEY, Cardinal, a churchman who combined politics with his profession, became wealthy, unfortunate, and was finally written up by Shakespeare.
WRIGHT, Orville, one of the inventors of the aeroplane who knows the inside of the business, and believes one life on the ground is worth two in the air.
XENOPHON, a Greek who endeavored to introduce morals into his country. He died young.
XYLOPHONES, inventor of the xylophone.
YALE, Eli, founder of the enemy of Harvard and Princeton. Football, pipe, and bulldog fancier.
YORICK, an acquaintance of Hamlet who was recognized even in an emaciated condition.
YOUNG, Brigham, the man who introduced Mohammedanism into the United States and placed Utah on the flag. When a young man he became a strong anti-monogamist. Moved west with his wives. Utah increased in population and was admitted as a state. After building a great temple, dedicated to Hymen, he died, leaving a considerable family and a few widows. Heirs: See Utah census. Ambition: London and New York in Utah. Address: Utah. Clubs: Race Suicide. Epitaph: Like Father, Like Son.
ZANGWELL, Israel, a child of the Ghetto who believed the pen was more profitable than the pack. Ambition: The Promised Utopia. Recreation: Zangwell plays. Address: The Ghetto. Clubs: A. O. H.
ZANY, A., the book reviewer who said Who Was Who was the greatest book ever written.
ZEPPELIN, Ferdinand, manufacturer of wrecked dirigibles, and an aeronaut who knew how to land. Insurance still in vogue. Ambition: The elevation of the German army. Recreation: Aeronautics with the Kaiser. Address: Air. Clubs: Aero.
ZOROASTER. He was the man who introduced fires into warm countries. He also thanks the readers in the name of the Editor for their kind attention.