WHO'S LOOKING OUT FOR YOU? by Margaret Paul, PhD
I couldn't stop thinking about Marcy after my phone session with
her. I was really worried about her.
"Marcy, " I had said in our session, "Your voice sounds drained of
energy and your life force feels really low. What's going on?"
"I just have no time for myself at all. It seems like between work
and driving my kids to all their activities, there's nothing left. I'm
feeling really discouraged - like I'm never going to get to do
anything with my life for me. It all seems to be for everyone else.
Sometimes I feel like I'm dying - and sometimes I even want to
die."
This was not good. Something had to change - and soon.
As we explored the problem, it became apparent that Marcy was
doing way more for her kids than necessary. She was doing
things for them, especially for 12 year old Andrea, that they
needed to be doing for themselves.
"Every morning I go into Andrea's room at least 15 times before
she finally gets herself up. Then I make their breakfasts and
lunches. The other day I felt really upset because Andrea was
just sitting around while I was getting breakfast and making their
lunch. When I asked her to help, she just rolled her eyes and got
upset. I'm exhausted before I even get started. Then, on the
weekends, they want me to take them here and take them there.
There's just not enough time in a day! When I try to get them to
understand my needs, they just don't seem to care."
"Marcy, Andrea has your number. She knows if she gets upset
you will back off. This is not good for you or her - you are allowing
her to be a spoiled brat out of your fear of her not caring about
you. They are not going to care about you until you care about
yourself. They are treating you the way you treat yourself. If you
want compassion and understanding from them, then you need
to first give yourself compassion and understanding."
Marcy and I developed a plan: she would get Andrea an alarm
clock and let her know that she had to get herself up - and that if
she didn't she was responsible for the consequences if she
missed school. Marcy would also ask her children to take
responsibility for fixing their own breakfast and lunch. She would
also expect them to help clean up in the evenings, and would
make it clear that if they didn't help her, she would not be so
available to drive them around all the time. In addition, she would
set aside some time just for her each weekend to work on her
own creative projects. This was a hard one for her. Marcy
believed that taking care of herself was selfish - that being loving
meant putting herself aside for her family. She really wanted to
be a good mom - but she was not being a good mom to herself.
We talked about the definition of "selfish." I told her that I believed
that Andrea was being selfish when she expected Marcy to give
herself up for Andrea, and that Marcy was fostering this
selfishness in her children by not taking care of herself.
"Marcy, are you being a good mom if you are so unhappy all the
time? Don't your kids need to see you being a role-model for
personal responsibility - which includes taking good care of
yourself? How are they going to learn to make themselves happy
if they never see you making yourself happy? You are teaching
them that they need to take care of others well-being and that
others need to take care of their well-being, which is the
definition of a codependent relationship. Don't you want them to
know how to take care of themselves - how to take responsibility
for their own well-being? Taking care of yourself is not selfish -
it's self-responsible! You're not being a good parent if you just
take care of your children but don't take care of yourself."
Marcy got it and immediately went about making changes. She
was like a new woman when I spoke with her the next week, with
much more power in her voice. She was beginning to see that
the problem was not so much not being cared about by her
family, but not caring about herself. She could begin to see that
how her family treated her was a mirror for how she was treating
herself.
I breathed a sigh of relief - Marcy was getting her life back!
=============================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
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You Are Never Alone
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