USING SEX ADDICTIVELY by Margaret Paul, PhD
Robert consulted with me because his wife, Andrea, was no
longer interested in having sex with him. "Andrea says she feels
objectified when we make love, and I don't know what that
means," he stated. "I love her and I don't think I see her as an
object."
"Well, when you want to make love to her, why are you wanting to
make love? What is motivating you?" I asked.
As we explored this question, it became apparent that Robert's
desire for Andrea was generally motivated, not only by his
physical need for sex, but also by his need to be validated by her
and to relieve his stress. No time in his discussion with me did
he say he wanted to make love to her as an expression of his
love for her. At no time did he state that there were many ways he
enjoyed sharing his love with her, such as time together, sharing
fun, affection, cuddling. His focus in being with Andrea was in
having sex with her, and if she didn't want to, he was generally
angry or withdrawn. While he professed that he was expressing
his love when I asked him about it, his behavior was anything but
loving.
"So, if she doesn't feel turned on to you, and would rather cuddle
or spend time together in some other way, that's not okay with
you? You don't stay loving with her unless she does what you
want?"
"Yeah, I guess so. I guess that's what I do."
Robert was quite distressed to learn that this is why Andrea felt
objectified, and also to learn that he was using sex addictively.
Anything we use outside ourselves to relieve stress, validate
ourselves and fill ourselves up can become an addiction. In
Robert's case, he was using sex to avoid dealing with his stress
and low self-esteem. He was using Andrea and sex as a
Band-Aid to temporarily alleviate anxiety. And, he confessed, he
went further with his addiction. He would masturbate to
pornography and attend expensive strip clubs in his efforts avoid
responsibility for his own feelings and needs. Underneath his
addictive behavior, Robert felt deeply insecure and afraid much
of the time. Rather than dealing with his fears and insecurities,
he was using sex, just as someone else might use food, drugs
or alcohol.
As long as Robert was coming to her needy rather than loving,
there was nothing for Andrea to feel turned on to. Andrea wanted
their sex to be an expression of their love for each other, not a
way to relieve Robert's anxiety or fill his emptiness, and had
reached the place in her own growth where she was no longer
willing to be used by him.
Fortunately, Robert was motivated to do the inner work
necessary to heal his sexual addiction. Through his work with
the Inner Bonding process that I teach, Robert was able to
establish, for the first time in his life, a connection with a spiritual
source of love and guidance. Through learning to work with his
spiritual guidance, he was able to begin to heal the limiting
beliefs he had absorbed as he was growing up about his
adequacy and worth. As he began to discover the beauty within
him - his gentleness, integrity, creativity, and ability to care about
others - he began to feel much better about himself. He learned
to speak up for himself in work and social situations, as well as
with Andrea. As he learned be loving with himself, the emptiness
within him that led to his neediness gradually diminished. The
more he was loving with himself, the more powerful he felt, and
the more he was able to express his love to Andrea. When the
day came that Andrea actually felt his love rather than his
neediness and emptiness, her sexual feelings for Robert
returned.
Robert's desire for pornography and strip clubs gradually
vanished as he learned to take full responsibility for his own
feelings and needs. He still loves to make love with Andrea, but
he no longer gets angry and withdrawn if she is not turned on.
He no longer needs her to take away his anxiety or validate his
adequacy. He is no longer using sex addictively.
===============================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and co-author of
eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By My Kids?",
"Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and "Do I Have To
Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web site for a FREE
Inner Bonding course: http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
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