RESISTANCE TO CELEBRATING by Margaret Paul, PhD
Some people really love celebrations - birthdays,
anniversaries, holidays - while other people seem to dislike
them. Derek will tell you that he could go through life very
nicely without celebrations. To Derek, celebrations are a
bother, a nuisance. They are meaningless and commercialized,
created by big business to make money. Derek does not want
to fall into the trap of being like everyone else.
Bonnie, Derek's wife, is just the opposite. She loves
celebrations. She loves to buy just the right gifts for
people. She loves to celebrate people on their birthdays and
anniversaries. She loves Thanksgiving, Christmas, as well as
Chanukah, since she is half Jewish. To Bonnie, celebrations
are times when she can express her love and appreciation for
people and her gratitude for her life. Bonnie is sad that
Derek doesn't like to join her, and often feels lonely at
holiday time because Derek is so resistant to celebrating.
How did Derek get this way? What causes him and others to
dislike celebrations?
Derek grew up with a very controlling, invasive mother. She
tried to control Derek in many areas - how he wore his hair,
who he dated, how he spent his time, what courses he took in
school, what major he had in college. In addition, she
exerted much control over him during celebrations. Not only
did he have to get her a terrific present, but whatever he
got was never good enough. For Derek, celebrations were not
fun at all.
Now, as an adult, Derek is in resistance to being
controlled. He has transferred his anger and resistance
toward his mother onto society and big business. Now it is
society and big business that are trying to control him.
Now, because he is an adult, he no longer has to give in as
he did with his mother. Now he can resist being controlled.
The problem is that it is not really an adult who is making
the decision to hate holidays - it's a wounded, angry
resistant adolescent who just doesn't want to be controlled
any more. Derek actually has a little child inside - the
happy, playful, loving child - who would love to be
celebrated on his birthday and would love to celebrate
others, but this tyrannical, controlling adolescent part of
him (who is just like his mother!) won't let him. So, like
Bonnie, his little inner child ends up feeling sad and
lonely on holidays and birthdays, while the adolescent part
of Derek thinks he is beating the system.
Derek will never be able to experience the joy of
celebrations until he starts to care more about what is
truly loving to himself and others, rather than being
controlled by his resistance to being controlled. As long as
not being controlled - by Bonnie, by his mother, or by
society and big business - is more important to him than
taking care of the little child inside who loves
celebrations, Derek will be in resistance.
One way of moving out of this resistance is to find
something he does want to celebrate. Can he celebrate his
love for his wife? Can he celebrate the loving part of
himself? Can he celebrate the fact that he is free to resist
and rebel if that is what he wants? Can he celebrate his
freedom to choose, his free will to determine what will
bring him joy? Derek has the choice to move out of
celebrating what others say he should celebrate and discover
what he wants to celebrate. Then he might discover the joy
of celebrating!
Meanwhile, Bonnie needs to take care of herself and find
people who would enjoy celebrating with her. Rather than
being stuck in her loneliness around special days, she needs
to find friends to celebrate with her. She needs to let go
of trying to get Derek to join her - which only taps into
his resistance - and figure out how to take care of herself
in the face of his choices. She will just lose out if she
tries to have any control over his resistance. However, if
Derek is open to learning about his resistance and open to
learning about what he could celebrate, she can certainly
engage in those discussions with him. If she lets go and he
opens to exploring, perhaps they can discover new and joyful
ways of celebrating!
=======================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up
Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
More articles on PARTNERSHIP
USING SEX ADDICTIVELY
TIME FOR CONNECTION
Resistance to Celebrating
7 Ways To Improve Your Relationship
426
|
|
|
|
