IS MOTHERING WEARING YOU OUT? by Margaret Paul, PhD
I always wanted to have children and I was completely
thrilled when I had my first child. Nothing, however,
prepares a mother for what it's like to be responsible for a
child 24/7.
Before my son was born, I had time - time to read, to be
creative, to spend time with friends, to take long baths, to
spend time with my husband, to breathe. Suddenly there was
no time for me. And, of course, after two more children,
having any time for me became even more challenging.
That's when I started getting sick. Not sick in the way you
could name it - just sick in the way of being fatigued all
the time. As much as I loved being a mother as well as
continuing my practice as a psychotherapist, I was wearing
out. Something had to change.
The real problem was in knowing how to take care of my
children and myself, instead of just taking care of my
children. I had been brought up to be a caretaker, which
meant that everyone's needs came before mine. That was
really what was wearing me out. Not only that, but putting
their needs before mine was creating children with
entitlement issues - the more I put myself aside for them,
the more they demanded and felt entitled to my time and
attention.
Unfortunately, I didn't discover this problem until my
children were adolescents. By that time I was headed for
serious illness. My immune system was shutting down and
various doctors said I that if I didn't change my lifestyle,
I would end up with cancer or something equally serious.
It's not easy to start to attend to yourself when you've
always put others' needs before your own. Yet for me it felt
like a life-and-death situation. I had always been afraid
that if I said "no" to my husband and children, I would
discover that they really didn't care about me. I was afraid
to find out that they wouldn't support me in learning to
take care of myself. Yet I finally reached the point where I
was willing to lose them rather than continue to lose myself
and my health.
It was at this point that I began to develop a strong
spiritual connection, and Spirit eventually guided me toward
a self-healing process which we now call Inner Bonding. (For
a free Inner Bonding course, see http://www.innerbonding.com). It
was through practicing the six steps of this powerful
process that I was able to start taking care of myself while
I was working and taking care of my family, and my health
gradually returned.
I had always had enormous compassion for others but
generally lacked compassion for myself. My challenge was to
turn my eyes inward to my own feelings and needs instead of
always being tuned in just to others' feelings and needs. I
needed to learn to treat myself as well as I treated others.
I needed to learn to stand up for myself when my family
demanded that I take care of them to the detriment of
myself. I needed to learn to have the courage to withstand
their anger when I didn't do just what they wanted me to do.
I needed to learn to stand in my truth regarding what was
loving to myself and others instead of trying to control
their love with my compliance. It's been a long and
sometimes painful road, but one with great rewards.
In a session with Renee, one of my clients, she told me that
she was struggling with this same issue. She was exhausted
most of the time, and often felt depressed. She told me of a
recent incident that had happened with her nine-year old
daughter, Sarah. Renee had told Sarah that she wanted to
watch a particular TV program at 8:00 that night, so Renee
wanted to make sure that Sarah didn't need anything from her
after 8:00. When 8:00 came around after Renee had been
spending time with Sarah, Renee said she was going to watch
her TV program. Sarah said, "Mom, so the TV program is more
important than I am." Renee got confused by this, bought
into the guilt, and gave into Sarah, thereby enabling
Sarah's already strong entitlement issues. Then Renee felt
even more exhausted and depressed.
What Renee needed to say to Sarah was, "Honey, it is you who
is being selfish in not caring about what is important to me
and just wanting me to do what you want. I need you to care
about me like I care about you." Then she needed to watch
her program, thus taking care of herself and at the same
time role-modeling personal responsibility rather than
enabling Sarah's entitlement issue by giving herself up.
Learning to take care of ourselves is essential for our own
health and the health of our family.
============================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
More articles on PARENTING
PARENTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN
Learning From All Our Relationships
Seeing The Souls of Your Children
Is Mothering Wearing You Out?
Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
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