GROWING OLDER. by Joan Marques
Yet another year is approaching its end. And, hence, Christmas is near.
After that: another New Year. Around this time I always get overwhelmed by a
melancholic, vague feeling. I'm not sure if I'm happy or sad. Do you
recognize that? Such a blend of emotions, in which looking back and ahead
strive for an honorary place in your mind? And in which impulses of hope are
taking turns with blasts from the past?
I am distressing about my children. The older I become, the more intense I
get attached to them, even if they may not feel it, as I am fairly awkward
with showing my affection in daily life. On paper something like that is so
much easier, but when it comes to really expressing my feelings, there
always seem to be so many obstacles, in my opinion.
That's actually a pity, as it causes so much beauty to get lost. I presume
that there are many people in the world such as me: caring deeply about
their loved ones, yet unable to demonstrate it with a simple hug, or a few
plain, but touching, well meant words, because they expect that the other
should know how they feel.
But maybe this will change for me in a year or ten from now. That is, if I'm
still around, of course. But if I think of the ease with which my
grandmother would shed a tear in her old days, for instance, and how she
vented her opinion -good or bad-- without any inhibition, then there may be
some interesting surprises in store for me!
And that, too, is a fact: older people feel less reserve to communicate what
they feel. It is as if they think, "Oh well, it doesn't make any difference
at this point, so I just dash this in the open. What can they make me after
all?" Great feeling that must be, on one hand. And a little dismal too, of
course, because I think that by then you have more or less accepted that you
've had your longest time here, and that it all doesn't matter anymore.
But to return to this time of the year: I wonder if there are more people
who never experienced that fairytale-like Christmas feeling, simply because
there was always something else that was keeping them busy. I, for instance,
was intertwined for the longest time between a non-stoppable career and a
set of growing, ever-active children, so that the Christmas experience
always remained limited to a feeling of anticipation for the upcoming
holidays, and subsequently -almost unrecognized- a flash back on a rapidly
vanished time.
And when the children reached adolescence, I went back to school. So there
were always exams around that time, followed by exhaustion and catching up
on enormous amounts of lost sleep.
And now that the studying is finally completed, there may yet be something
else lurking that will feel very demanding.
Or maybe I will learn at last. And then that spirit that they sweetened me
with for years on television in all those wonderful Christmas specials and
movies will finally be a fact. You know: presents under the Christmas Tree,
Christmas music throughout the house, the smell of freshly baked bread,
everywhere red, green, white, and gold colored ornaments. And nice people to
celebrate with.
Oh my, I must be growing old for real. I'm dreaming about things that can
only be beautiful if you have absolutely nothing to worry about. That is, if
everybody you care about is also happy and healthy; if you can afford the
things you consider important; and if your future perspectives are nice too.
But even then one can always find something to fret about, I suppose. You
can start thinking about the poor children in orphanages, and the ill people
in institutions, and warlike circumstances in less fortunate parts of the
same world you're celebrating in. And then you can't help having a frown
appearing between your eyes again.
So, perhaps I should just realize that John Lennon was right when he said
that life happens while you're busy making other plans. I will thus continue
to make plans for that beautiful Christmas day once in the future. And
meanwhile life will continue to happen..
Joan Marques, Burbank, November 27, 2003
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About the Author:
Joan Marques, holds an MBA, is a doctoral candidate in Organizational
Leadership, and a university instructor in Business and Management in
Burbank, California. You may visit her web site at www.joanmarques.com
Joan's manual "Feel Good About Yourself," a six part series to get you over
the bumps in life and onto success, can be purchased and downloaded at:
http://www.non-books.com/FeelGoodSeries.html
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