FATHERS, TELL YOUR STORIES by Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC,
I must admit to having a fear that I believe I share with many
fathers. I fear that I will some day be insignificant to my children.
It's not as though they'll completely forget who I am; it's that what
I stand for and what I believe in won't be a significant part of
their lives.
Perhaps popular culture will take over.or perhaps they just won't
care. The fear is there because it's so important to me that my
children have a moral compass to live by, and that they have a value
system that honors and respects others.
So what are fathers to do? We live in an increasingly complex society
and the answers to our children's questions are neither easy nor
simple. Many of these questions may be difficult to answer and may
show your kids that ideas about what's right and wrong are not always
very clear.
What fathers can do is to wish and hope that things turn out for your
children--or you can have the courage to make passing on your values
an absolute priority in your family. You can challenge yourself to
pass on love, faith, courage, freedom--the eternal truths that will
have meaning for your children for generations to come.
There will certainly be some bumps along the way and it won't always
be a smooth ride. After all, there's an entire culture out there
that's telling your kids that what they wear and what they buy is the
most important thing in their life.
There's a way for fathers to succeed here. They can do it through the
stories that they tell their kids and also through how they models
for their kids.
You can start by taking a different and closer look at the daily
events that happen in your life. Your life is filled with significant
happenings that you can sometimes pass over if you're not paying
attention or if you get too busy. These events can become stories
that your children will cherish.
Why is it important to tell your stories to your children?
One important reason is that it serves to connect your children to
previous generations and to help them to feel a part of the larger
whole of your family. Perhaps a more important reason is that telling
your children your stories helps them to deal with the difficult
challenges that they'll be facing in their life.
The truth is that your kids will go through some real struggles. As
parents, it can be painful to watch--and it is seldom useful to try
to come to the rescue. What can be helpful to your kids is to know
that their father, and other significant people in their lives, have
gone through similar struggles and have survived.
Stories are often about struggles and failures. Your children love to
hear stories about these struggles because they have them often in
their own lives. They know failure and struggle extremely well;
that's a lot of what being a kid is about.
The stories you tell them will ultimately be comforting. That you
have had these struggles and have come back and recovered is
encouragement to them; your kids will need a truckload of
encouragement to navigate their way through life.
It is truly a gift to be able to communicate to your children what is
in your heart through the use of stories. Stories can not only be
used as a vehicle to pass along your values, but they are likely to
inspire your children to repeat the same process with their children.
Here are five suggestions to help you come up with stories for your
children:
1. Tell stories to your kids when they are the most attentive to them-
-when they are in bed, or settled down so they can sit still for awhile.
2. Make sure to include stories of you failing miserably. These are
particularly useful to your kids. We've all got a few of these, don't
we?
3. Have your parents tell your children some of their own stories if
they are able--a great way to show the connection that exists between
generations.
4. Use stories to answer your kids' questions about difficult issues.
They need to know that you have faced these issues yourself, and that
there are many choices available.
5. Realize that you don't need a history of storytelling in your
family to get started, and you don't need to be a great storyteller.
Give some thought to experiences you've had that might relate to some
of the issues your kids are facing right now or in the near future.
There is a short window of opportunity in which to tell your children
the stories of your life. Many fathers fail to tell their stories
because of a lack of a story-telling tradition in their family of
origin. This can be a wonderful opportunity to begin your own
tradition with your own stories.
Teaching your kids about life through telling your stories will be a
whole lot more effective than lecturing any day of the week. Your
kids will want to hear your stories, the lecturing they could probably
do without.
May your stories live on eternally.
--------------------------
Mark Brandenburg MA, CPCC, is the author of "25 Secrets of
Emotionally Intelligent Fathers" (http://www.markbrandenburg.
com/e_book.htm#secrets. For more great tips and action steps for
fathers, sign up for his FREE bi-weekly newsletter, "Dads, Don't Fix
Your Kids," at http://www.markbrandenburg.com.
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