CARETAKING PARENTS, ENTITLED KIDS by Margaret Paul, PhD
Demanding children - children who have entitlement issues -
seem to be common these days. Like the obnoxious child,
Veruca Salt in Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory, who
was constantly demanding that her father get her whatever
she wanted ("I want an Umpa Lumpa! Get it for me NOW!"), we
hear many children today uttering the fairly constant
refrain, "I want ..! Give it to me! Get it for me, now!"
They seem to be masters at instilling guilt in their parents
through phrases such as "It's not fair!" or "You don't love
me!" or "What about what I want?", or by getting angry,
shutting down or crying piteously.
Why are there so many demanding children?
Olivia grew up with a self-centered demanding critical
mother who never let her have her feelings. Olivia learned
early to take responsibility for her mother's feelings by
being a good girl. Now, as a parent herself, and not wanting
to do to her children what her mother did to her, she has
gone the other way. Rather than being demanding and
self-centered, she is compliant and self-sacrificing. Rather
than being an authoritarian parent like her mother was, she
is a permissive parent, giving in to her children's demands
rather than setting appropriate limits.
Olivia tends to give much to much credence to her children's
feelings. All they need to do is be upset about something
and she stops what she is doing to attend to them. They have
learned to use their feelings of hurt, irritation and anger
as a means of control. Olivia thinks she is being loving
when she makes it "safe" for her children to express their
feelings. The problem is she is not discerning the
difference between having feelings and using feelings as a
means of control. Because she gives her children's feelings
so much importance, her children have learned to use their
feelings against her.
Olivia's children need to learn to care about Olivia instead
of just trying to get her to give herself up to meet their
demands. The only way they will learn to care about her is
if she learns to care about herself.
Demanding children are difficult to be around. They have a
hard time keeping friends and as adults they create chaotic
relationships. So let's take a hard look at what we need to
do to support caring in children rather than
self-centeredness. Authoritarian parenting often creates
compliant/caretaking children, while permissive parenting
seems to create narcissistic children. Neither authoritarian
nor permissive parenting is loving parenting - parenting
that supports the highest good of both children and parents.
Let's break the cycle of creating caretakers and takers. As
parents, we need to learn to:
* Take loving care of ourselves rather than constantly give
ourselves up to our children's needs and feelings.
* Set appropriate limits rather than always complying with
our children's demands.
* Care about our own feelings as much as we care about our
children's feelings.
* Not allow our feelings and needs to be invisible to our
family.
* Accept rejection from our children rather than give in to
them to avoid being rejected.
* Learn to discern the difference between children's
feelings that need to be attended to and feelings that are
being used to manipulate.
* Expect to be appreciated and respected rather than accept
being taken for granted.
It is not a matter of swinging back to authoritarian
parenting. It is a matter of expecting to be treated with
respect and caring. Your children will learn to treat you
the way you treat yourself. If you allow your feelings and
needs to be invisible because you are not attending to them
or making them important to you, your children will learn to
see you and others as invisible. Children who see themselves
as important and others as invisible because this is what
their parents are role-modeling may become narcissistic,
self-centered, demanding children.
It is not easy to move out of caretaking and into caring
about yourself and others. Caretaking others was likely a
form of survival when you were growing up. Yet to truly be a
loving parent, you need to have the courage to behave in a
way that fosters caring and consideration in your children,
and this will never happen if you consistently put yourself
aside for others.
=============================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up Me
To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved
By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner Bonding", and
"Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By God?" Visit her web
site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
More articles on PARENTING
PARENTING YOURSELF WHEN YOU HAVE SMALL CHILDREN
Learning From All Our Relationships
Seeing The Souls of Your Children
Is Mothering Wearing You Out?
Caretaking Parents, Entitled Kids
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