7 WAYS TO IMPROVE YOUR RELATIONSHIP by Margaret Paul, PhD
Good relationships don't just happen. I've heard many of my
clients state that, "If I have to work at it, then it's not
the right relationship." This is not a true statement, any
more than it's true that you don't have to work at good
physical health through exercise, eating well, and stress
reduction.
I've discovered, in the 35 years that I've been counseling
couples, 7 choices you can make that will not only improve
your relationship, but can turn a failing relationship into
a successful one.
TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOURSELF
This is the most important choice you can make to improve
your relationship. This means that you learn how to take
responsibility for your own feelings and needs. This means
that instead of trying to get your partner to make you feel
happy and secure, you learn how to do this for yourself
through your own thoughts and actions. This means learning
to treat yourself with kindness, caring, compassion, and
acceptance instead of self-judgment. Self-judgment will
always make you feel unhappy and insecure, no matter how
wonderfully your partner is treating you.
For example, instead of getting angry at your partner for
your feelings of abandonment when he or she is late,
preoccupied and not listening to you, not turned on
sexually, and so on, you would explore your own feelings of
abandonment and discover how you might be abandoning
yourself.
When you learn how to take full, 100% responsibility for
yourself, then you stop blaming your partner for your
upsets. Since blaming one's partner for one's own
unhappiness is the number one cause of relationship
problems, learning how to take loving care of yourself is
vital to a good relationship.
KINDNESS, COMPASSION, ACCEPTANCE
Treat others the way you want to be treated. This is the
essence of a truly spiritual life. We all yearn to be
treated lovingly - with kindness, compassion, understanding,
and acceptance. We need to treat ourselves this way, and we
need to treat our partner and others this way. Relationships
flourish when both people treat each other with kindness.
While there are no guarantees, often treating another with
kindness brings kindness in return. If your partner is
consistently angry, judgmental, uncaring and unkind, then
you need to focus on what would be loving to yourself rather
than reverting to anger, blame, judgment, withdrawal,
resistance, or compliance. Kindness to others does not mean
sacrificing yourself. Always remember that taking
responsibility for yourself rather than blaming others is
the most important thing you can do. If you are consistently
kind to yourself and your partner, and your partner is
consistently angry, blaming, withdrawn and unavailable, then
you either have to accept a distant relationship, or you
need to leave the relationship. You cannot make your partner
change - you can only change yourself.
LEARNING INSTEAD OF CONTROLLING
When conflict occurs, you always have two choices regarding
how to handle the conflict: you can open to learning about
yourself and your partner and discover the deeper issues of
the conflict, or you can try to win, or at least not lose,
through some form of controlling behavior. We've all
learning many overt and subtle ways of trying to control
others into behaving the way we want: anger, blame,
judgment, niceness, compliance, caretaking, resistance,
withdrawal of love, explaining, teaching, defending, lying,
denying, and so on. All the ways we try to control create
even more conflict. Remembering to learn instead of control
is a vital part of improving your relationship.
For example, most people have two major fears that become
activated in relationships: the fear of abandonment - of
losing the other - and the fear of engulfment - of losing
oneself. When these fears get activated, most people
immediately protect themselves against these fears with
their controlling behavior. But if you chose to learn about
your fears instead of attempt to control your partner, your
fear would eventually heal. This is how we grow emotionally
and spiritually - by learning instead of controlling.
CREATE DATE TIMES
When people first fall in love, they make time for each
other. Then, especially after getting married, they get
busy. Relationships need time to thrive. It is vitally
important to set aside specific times to be together - to
talk, play, make love. Intimacy cannot be maintained without
time together.
GRATITUDE INSTEAD OF COMPLAINTS
Positive energy flows between two people when there is an
"attitude of gratitude." Constant complaints creates a
heavy, negative energy, which is not fun to be around.
Practice being grateful for what you have rather than
focusing on what you don't have. Complaints create stress,
while gratitude creates inner peace, so gratitude creates
not only emotional and relationship health, but physical
health as well.
FUN AND PLAY
We all know that "work without play makes Jack a dull boy."
Work without play makes for dull relationships as well.
Relationships flourish when people laugh together, play
together, and when humor is a part of everyday life. Stop
taking everything so seriously and learn to see the funny
side of life. Intimacy flourishes when there is lightness of
being, not when everything is heavy.
SERVICE
A wonderful way of creating intimacy is to do service
projects together. Giving to others fills the heart and
creates deep satisfaction in the soul. Doing service moves
you out of yourself and your own problems and supports a
broader, more spiritual view of life.
If you and your partner agree to these 7 choices, you will
be amazed at the improvement in your relationship!
========================
Margaret Paul, Ph.D. is the best-selling author and
co-author of eight books, including "Do I Have To Give Up
Me To Be Loved By You?", "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be
Loved By My Kids?", "Healing Your Aloneness","Inner
Bonding", and "Do I Have To Give Up Me To Be Loved By
God?" Visit her web site for a FREE Inner Bonding course:
http://www.innerbonding.com or
margaret@innerbonding.com
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